Feeling pissed off and unhappy, not even sure if i am collared anymore, or even collared before it even turns up. I prolly screwed that up like everything else i screw up.
So today im feeling pissed off and majorly upset and that my feelings are not taken into consideration, Ma'am today said that she would allow a reverse day every 6 months (ish) for 24 hours, which would allow me to control her for that day but only if i dont screw up even a day in the 6 months pior to that, i feel this is unfair and im not trying to top things, i used to be her Dom but screwed up and feel that this is some sort of punishment and trying to hurt me for what happened when she broke off our engagment, which has worked.
Yea i fucked up royally to loose her as my submissive, but to keep punishing me for that fuck up in my eyes isnt fair even if she says that is not her intention thats how its feeling.This morning i was so happy, couldnt wait to get online and chat to my Ma'am, get her daily orders, now i just feel she ripped my heart out, dreams and wishes and stamped all over it and that my requests just either falls on deaf ears or goes into one ear and out the other, as it feels like its her way or no way.
Ma'am never once asked me my thoughts or opinion even after i voiced my concernes about a 6 month time frame, even tho she knew i was upset about that time frame, but never asked me what i would have liked and then come to a comprise that we could both be happy.
When she did demand that i tell her what was wrong she went very quiet as if she was angry at my voice even tho she ordered me to tell her, i know she works a lot and hard but ya ....that makes me feel that ive lost the collar she was placing round my neck before its even turned up, shes simply just changed her mind and does not want me any more.
Also Ma'am said that she would not cam with me during any play time where i controlled her, yet i have to cam with her for her enjoyment, so where is my enjoyment when i am controlling her, thats a bit fucked up in my eyes, also when controlling her shes still in control by not allowing any cam time, so not only doi get zero enjoyment out of it exept for words on a screen when she types to me, i am also still controlled even tho i am supposed to be in control. to me thats wrong.
Anyway i feel that this choice Ma'am has made is basicly wanting a door mat, someone she can control and walk all over with my feelings not even taken into consideration so ill just keep quiet on it.
I am also supposed to Edge 4 times today come to a brink of a orgasm since it is raining and cant walk the dog but not orgasm, if im honest i am not in the mood to even do this currently.
Ma'am also said that she would think of a new reward, tbh i cba with a reward anymore this has kinda knocked the enjoyment i was having from things so im unsure if i am even collared anymore right now, so this may be last blog i post i just dont know. It will save some money either way as wont need to get toys to use on Ma'am
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